Ep 19: Rachael and Jackie Schimmel on how Jackie Schimmel became Jackie Schimmel

Queen Bitch Jackie Schimmel, creator of blog turned podcast The Bitch Bible is here to make Rachael feel better about her delusions of grandeur and reveal her life story.

On this episode of “Be Here For A While,” Rachael chats with Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible, a podcast that dares to say what many are thinking, but only a bitch would say. They discuss manipulation, their permanent sadness over the breakup of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and the problematic nature of Kylie Jenner’s plastic surgery.

Rachael also digs her way into Jackie’s backstory to find out how Jackie Schimmel became Jackie Schimmel.

“Did you ever want to be an actor or be in entertainment?” asks Rachael.

“No. It's so weird, people always assume I want to be a host or in entertainment, but that is so not the case,” Jackie explains. “I just have a very limited skill set. Very limited. I’ve always wanted to be a writer—that's just more my schtick.”

After leaving college at 19, and working for a couple of her favorite television shows (Extra, Chelsea Lately, and After Lately), Jackie found a job as a receptionist at a financial company. The “work” part was pretty optional though.

“At one o’clock I would have some cheese, sometimes I would pour champagne into a coffee cup.... It was the greatest job ever,” she says. Then, she started a blog. But when her boss found out she was making extra money on their dime, they were less than pleased.

“They asked me to delete it and I said no,” Jackie explains. “And I walked. And then I was like, FUCK, I don't have any money.”

But she kept blogging, and went on Watch What Happens: Live, where she was then asked to do a podcast for a production company.

“I feel like an asshole sometimes because I want to be like, ‘You know, it just takes a lot of hard work, you’ve got to put those hours in,’” Jackie says. “But I’m like, ‘Sometimes shit just happens. It’s not like I’m rolling in it, but i’m doing okay.”

Rachael and Jackie get to talking about stand-up comedy, which Jackie says she will never, ever do.

“If someone heckled me, I would fucking annihilate them,” Jackie says. “I’d be like, ‘Oh really, that’s so cool, remember when you paid $20 to come fucking see me and you’re sitting there like a sad, sad peasant? I’m standing above you, you paid to see me. Fuck you.’ I would get crazy and the audience would get really scared.’”

“Sometimes when comics yell back at the hecklers in a dark way, it makes the audience uncomfortable, and you’re just like, ‘Uh, what do I do now…’” Rachael says.

“See, I would be that girl,” says Jackie. “It would be weird.”

By the way, if you ever say, “Let the haters be your motivators” then Jackie and Rachael will probably hate you forever. But if you’re good at manipulating people, you’re golden.

“That’s such a life skill to know when to kiss ass but also keep people down,” Jackie says. “You want to build them up, but kind of bring down, and then bring them back up again.”

Along these lines, the ladies get to talking about their sense of comedy.

“I love dark humor,” Rachael says.

“I think when people say things and you’re like, ‘Holy fuck, did she just say that?’ I get a really sick thrill out of seeing how people react to things that i say are really fucked up, but funny,” Jackie says. “If you make fun of yourself more than anybody else, you can get away with saying anything. If you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t be giving one. You are your best material. You know yourself the best. If you can make fun of yourself, then it’s free game. I make fun of everyone equally.”

It’s a matter of respect, they explain. They also joke that they’re extremely arrogant and delusional.

“I like what I have so much that—of course I’d like to be taller, and have a fast metabolism—but you can’t win them all,” Rachael says. “Everything else is great. Even when I was a fat kid, I still liked who I was.”

“I felt the same way,” Jackie agrees. “I was like, ‘Listen, I’m not super hot, but I am funny and I have chutzpah and I’m building character through these rough years and that girl with the perfect hair, she’s peaking. She’s peaking, and I may never peak, but at least I’ll die trying. Like 50 Cent. It’s inspirational, guys.”

“Someone put a ‘Think thin’ magnet on my locker in junior high and I was like, ‘Good one!’” Rachael laughs. “ I was like, ‘Oh, a well-placed joke!’”

“You have to experience a few of those situations so you’re a more well-rounded person. Mentally, not physically,” Jackie says.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have known I was fat,” Rachael continues. “My parents weren’t telling me. So thank god Rick W****** had the gumption to tell me!”

“Love you Rick, what a guy. Where is he now?” Jackie asks. “Working at a Subway?”

“He did heroin or something, I don’t know,” Rachael says. “He’s okay now though.”

They also joke (sort of) that life is all about finding a way to segue into a story about yourself. And then Rachael admits she always wished she was Jewish because of all of the holidays they get to celebrate.

“You can come to my family passover and then you will be running back to Christ,” Jackie says. “My family is nuts.”

For example, cousin Jennifer once gave her cousin’s fiance's father (an 85 year old man) a lap dance. It’s her thing.

Then, because Jackie lives in Calabasas now, they get to talking about Willow and Jaden Smith and the Jenner crew (who live there, too).

“Celebrity kids have too much confidence, it’s crazy,” Jackie says.

“Well yeah, they’re 50 by the time they’re 10, so they’ve already lived 12 lives,” Rachael says. “They’re too mature, like they’ve already gone to rehab, now they’re past it. Now they’re political and they have—”

“They have agendas and causes but, like, you’re literally 14,” Jackie adds.

“You haven’t had a period yet, relax!” Rachael jokes.

Adding on to that, they discuss Kylie Jenner’s plastic surgery and the problematic nature of it all.

“It really bothers me when people change things and they don’t address it,” Jackie says. “It’s perpetuating such a horrible stigma.”

“It’s confusing to little girls to think that you’re going to blossom like that,” Rachael says.

“You’re not going to get that ass just from turning 18,” says Jackie.

They would also like you to know that they think glam squads are very weird and they also suggest to the environmental powers that be that using color coding would make recycling much more under-friendly.

Finally, on self-esteem and having a healthy sense of self confidence:

“I’m not constantly like, ‘Oh my God, is that person better than me?’” Rachael explains. “I’m just like, ‘Eh, I don’t know, I’ll just keep drinking. I don’t fucking care.’”

“Same, totally don’t give a fuck,” Jackie agrees.

“Whatever, I’m having a good time,” Rachel says.

“I’m just here for a good time,” says Jackie. “We’re good time gals over here.”